ZESTRA!

Feb. 7th, 2010 05:56 pm
2_perseph: (pin-up swinging)
[personal profile] 2_perseph
We were just minding our business, [personal profile] mrsbean and I, watching television at some ungodly hour and thinking we could not laugh any harder over some truly cracked commercials, when a commercial for Zestra came on.

"Zestra helps you feel the way you used to feel when sexual arousal just happened, naturally, without doing anything, without thinking about it, without trying not to think about anything else."

It "assists" women in two ways: one by increasing blood flow to the genitals; and two by increasing sensation to the genitals.

Don’t ask.

Yet.

According to a director of sex health at the Philadelphia Graduate Hospital, they conducted clinical trials about 3 years ago. Only 20 women were monitored at that time, but with very, very promising results: For women with "known arousal disorder" it was 85% effective, and in their control group (women reporting no "arousal" issues) it was 95% effective.

So this Summer and Fall they’re going wide with 17 sites across the U.S. -- 200 women, all with "sexual dysfunction."

On a news report, the anchor points out that critics say just the act of applying the fluid would be enough to get anyone in the mood, to which the doctor being interviewed replies, "Zestra is a step in the right direction." Which I believe is a...fallacy in argument?

So what is ZESTRA??


It is "a patented blend of botanical oils & extracts" that, as said, increases blood flow and sensation in the genitals. It is "100% natural" and "clinically proven to increase desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction for women." It’s "topically applied and easy to use."

Use 3 - 5 minutes before engaging in smex, and tingly, warming sensations the makers call "the Zestra Rush™" will soon overwhelm. It peaks at 10 mins, tails off at about 45.


And then the burning question: HOW IS IT APPLIED??

"You and/or your partner gently massage the contents of one Zestra Personal Packette onto the clitoris, labia or outer areas of the vagina. Within 3 - 5 minutes, most women begin to feel--"

You can stop laughing now.

Though I may never be able to.

Somehow I imagined a much more...elaborate set of instructions, seeing as it’s such a...groundbreaking scientific discovery. You know, something more...officious?

As follows:

1. Open your web browser or picture viewer

2. Go to your gallery or folder marked "Sean Bean," "Titus Pullo," "Daddy Winchester," "Norman Reedus," "Xena-Gabrielle," "Shirtless Eric," "J2," "Holmes-Watson," "fanart by ponderosa (nc-17)," etc.

3. Open and enlarge photos (hi-res versions work best for this option).

4. Stare for about 3 - 5 mins. This is where you REALLY see how Zestra works! You don’t have to do anything; don’t have to think about sexual intercourse; don’t have to try and keep your focus on the photo. In fact we challenge you to try and think of something else!

5. Moan quietly, then retire to a conducive corner.

6. Stand, sit or lie on your back, hitching your skirt/unzipping your pants.

7. Tear open JUST ONE PACKET of Zestra - though you may need only half! - and pour into the palm of your hand.

8. Feel the viscose fluid with your index finger. Don’t worry if you feel the warmth right then -- it means it’s ready to work!

9. Generously coat your palm with Zestra, not forgetting to coat all four fingers and thumb (depending on how hi-res the photo was) fully.

10. Apply Zestra by rubbing the palm of your hand in smooth circular motions to your clitoris, labia or outer areas of the vagina, plunging your fingers slowly and deeply as needed.

Soon, you’ll feel the tingly, warming sensations - the Zestra Rush! - that mean our special, patent-pending botanical oil blends are working to increase blood flow to the thousands of capillaries lining your labia and outer areas. This is effect is clinically proven.

And remember, while performing this *warm up to intercourse, you don't have to worry about trying to recall images from your galley or folder of swords and sandals and leather breastplates, or whatever Lucius Vorenus was doing that day; or try to keep your mind on being locked in any pair of arms while your sensations build.. Zestra will do it all for you!

The exciting sensations peak at about 5 seconds, and last for however long you can fuckin’ take it.

*Some women have found that Zestra is so amazingly potent that a simple process of application sent them right into orgasm, not needing to experience penile penetration at all! o-emgeehee!

Zestra is also proven to work - though not by clinical trials - by applying generous amounts to breasts, paying special rubbing/plucking attention to the nipples.

Order Now!

look at the price of this fucker:


Approx. 9.6ml for $50.

For fifty bucks, I’ll do you. And wash your car to boot. I’m just sayin’.


Just to be clear so I don’t get jackhammers to my head: Yes, I do know what ”sexual arousal disorder“ is, and no, I’m not making fun of it.

the source of everything

on 2010-02-08 02:51 am (UTC)
ext_9063: (Default)
Posted by [identity profile] mlyn.livejournal.com
*DIES*

on 2010-02-08 02:57 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
*tosses flowers*

on 2010-02-08 03:23 am (UTC)
ext_47216: (Vassalord)
Posted by [identity profile] elflady-2001.livejournal.com
ZOMG!

"topically applied..."

*can't breathe*

on 2010-02-08 03:41 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
*chortles madly* It's all science-y!

on 2010-02-08 03:42 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] elaur.livejournal.com
Yeah, Norman Reedus. Nuff said. I don't even need Zestra,

on 2010-02-08 05:32 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Self-lubricating ukes that we are.

on 2010-02-08 06:54 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] elaur.livejournal.com
*points to icon*

on 2010-02-08 04:40 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mrsbean.livejournal.com
I would like to personally thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to research this, because honestly, I never would have figured it out. *eye roll*

on 2010-02-08 05:36 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
You would have just kept wondering what that funny feeling you keep getting down there meant.

No need to thank me or Zestra for this great service to womanhood. The plehjure is all ours.

on 2010-02-08 05:53 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mrsbean.livejournal.com
I bow to your greatness.

on 2010-02-08 05:08 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] stewardess.livejournal.com
*howls* But I'm also cranky. I hate anything that seems to be trying to make women feel inadequate sexually. "The way you used to feel..." before you were audited by the IRS? Turned sixty? Partner developed halitosis? WTF.

But mostly I'm howling. It reminds me of a female friend who served in the military. They were told how to do everything, even showering. One fine day, they were ordered to "wash the genital area with a wash cloth for at least five minutes." My friend said, "But what if I don't want to stop then?"

on 2010-02-08 05:09 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] stewardess.livejournal.com
P.S. This also seems like something that would make your ass BURN, and not in a good way.

on 2010-02-08 05:41 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Oh, but if you don't say pretty, "important"-sounding words like "botanical extracts" and "primrose," you know no soccer mom, i.e. women of the non-slut, non-Sex and the City variety, will ever go near it.

on 2010-02-08 05:46 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Have you looked at any of the ads on the website? I don't think they make me cranky as muh as foam at the mouth. I was quite happy when I saw the phrase "women's sexuality" written across the screen on American television, but OF COURSE it has to be in the context of not "set it loose", but rather "let's finally fix it!"

vomit.

on 2010-02-08 05:02 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] afra-schatz.livejournal.com
LOOOOOL.

on 2010-02-08 10:03 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Here. Have some.

on 2010-02-08 08:46 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] blue-jars99.livejournal.com
I want to know what the "Zestra Essential Rewards Program" is. :) If you buy enough of it, does a partner of your choice come to your home to apply it for you?

on 2010-02-08 10:02 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Cuz that's a rewards program.

on 2010-02-13 04:12 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] cuissesdefer.livejournal.com
Ridiculously awesome news. Also, YES to every one of those folders you were just talking about ;P

on 2010-02-16 03:36 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] denaligirl1.livejournal.com
for 50 bucks, it had better buy me a drink before and cuddle afterwards!

thanks for the eric photo - i haven't drooled over him in ages!

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