2_perseph: (under the dress)
[personal profile] 2_perseph
Much too overdue.

Since about 10 people in total have seen RocknRolla, I thought I'd put together this post and introduce you to a fresh set of boys (and one girl) who might rub you the right way. Click click for some-

Sex In Three Acts

Act I
Handsome Bob/One Two

This is Handsome Bob.

And this is One Two.

Handsome Bob is a “ladies man.” Meaning females get to grope and molest him freely. Which, apparently, Bob is not entirely averse to. He might actually be using them for bait.

Because the thing about Handsome Bob is, to paraphrase an artist, when he’s naked, he wants One Two there.

But more on that later. Bob, you see, is a patient dog.

But for now, say hello to Bertie.

That’s Bertie on the right, Handsome Bob on the left.

Bertie is how you know Handsome Bob is not a bottom.

Bertie’s angst to get wild-bunched is mouthwateringly delicious. He’s good for some PWP featuring him subbing in any way possible for Handsome Bob. The dirtier the better. Yet you know within moments of watching him stare at Bob that you're simply not getting it right. You're dirty enough for Bertie when it comes to Handsome Bob. It’s back to the drawing board for you.

A hint, says Bertie's guide for slashers, is to try starting with rope, hair pulling and some spanking, preferably while saying lovely, humiliating things while doing all three. Ladies underwear might also work.

All this, of course, needs to take place when Bertie isn't busy.

Right, so what's this got to do with Handsome Bob and One Two?

Bertie, you see, is married to Stella.

And Stella, you should know, is made of W.I.N.

Because she intentionally married a man who she knows will get her from A to B, avoiding C, and she won’t have to have long, drawn out conversations about it.

Stella wants One Two.

Stella gets One Two.

And on to One Two: He's always been the type of person for whom sex has always been too easy.

He thinks it.

He gets it.

Which goes the same way for work, where, much to Handsome Bob's dismay, One Two is shameless in cutting to the chase over things he wants.

This is One Two trying to get Mumbles to come over here.

Soon you'll see that Mumbles goes.

But you'll also see that for Bob, that shit hurts in all the right places.

Bob, you see, pretends to be a bottom so that One Two will feel comfortable when they're all around each other.

*breathes heavily*

Now Mumbles. Mumbles is the third man--or, more accurately, the right arm--of the Wild Bunch (assuming the outfit is right-handed).

Mumbles is a man’s man, by which I mean he’s perfectly comfortable in his own skin. He’d think about it, and then he would do the right thing for a mate, if that’s what the circumstances called for, no matter how compromising the situation might be. And it seems he would have neither apology nor explanation for anyone who cared to come asking.

At this juncture I have to diverge to say that I have a deep, hard, and unfulfilled lust to fuck Idris Elba’s brains out. He plays Mumbles. I knew him from The Wire, and I still shiver every time I think of staring at him walking past me at Comic-Con and wondering who the fuck that giant was.

*wrings out panties*

Where was I?

Yes. So the lovely thing about Mumbles is that he doesn’t miss a thing. Not one.

And between Handsome Bob and One Two, lies Mumbles.

The way Mumbles looks on with pride as he unleashes Handsome Bob on Bertie, the way he easily handles One Two when One Two freaks out, then looks on with amusement when it comes back to haunt One Two, makes one believe that Mumbles might be open to instructing One Two on how to accomplish certain things when a certain time finally comes.

Re: How to Make a Bad Boy Come.
From: Mumbles
To: One Two
Message: Your. Arse. Is. Fucked. Love, yer best mate.

Which brings us to the clinch. Which is that One Two is quite happy having Handsome Bob on the team, as Bob is the youngest and has always pulled his own weight--an absolute work horse in a crunch. But One Two is a planner, and surprises don’t go over well with him.

However, he does have a sweet streak, one which seems to come out of a need to not seem old and out of touch with what the kids are up to these days.

And for Handsome Bob, that might prove the handiest thing of them all.

Act II
Johnny Quid/Archy

This is Johnny Quid.

Johnny does not have your interest at heart.

In fact, Johnny thinks you’re much more interesting when you aren’t saying a word. Johnny’s had his share of crap shoved down his throat, and if he’s looking for something deeper within himself, it’s because he has to. And he doesn’t really appreciate you making all that noise while he has to do that.

Johnny seems to have only one weakness.





*wets self*

Archy is played by Mark Strong. Strong, whom Guy Ritchie is obviously still waiting to cast as Sherlock Holmes over the studio’s preferences. ‘Cause don’t get me started on the reasons Guy Ritchie chose to do Sherlock Holmes (which wasn’t a project he originated) while finishing up RocknRolla, and making with the sexy in putting Mark Strong in Sherlock Homes-type gear, over. and. over.

I digress, but its hurts not to. *wails a little*

So Archy/Johnny Quid. Johnny Quid/Archy.

However you want to play it, Johnny’ll take it. But he has a lesson for Uncle Archy. Not a life lesson, because that would be presumptuous to a man who when he was barely adolescent was already a gangster. Rather, Johnny has a lesson of a different sort for Archy-- One on how to leave your workday at the door.

It isn’t difficult for Johnny to love Archy. Archy has those eyes, like he's searching for answers even when he doesn't know he's looking. He has that calm, as though the mud would splash on you but not him. Then he has that way he talks to Johnny, that “Daddy loves you and don’t you know it” way that makes me want to *rolls tongue back in* and keel over in my chair.

But Johnny grew up and dreamt of being a rock n’ rolla. The cool thing was, Johnny was the original rock n’ rolla. He was it before it became cool, before it became a fad, because he wasn’t afraid of those edges. That’s what made him Johnny, and against all odds, made him full of so much love.

But Archy wants to control those edges, wants to be the master of them. Together, they’re like oil and water, except when they’re not. They speak the same language and perform the same acts. One imagines that for Johnny, who is a druggie and into chemical escape, Archy is like the cyborg arm extension that performs those acts while stone-cold sober, while he's the one that sleepwalks them.

Johnny has occasional smex with Pete. It's probably, mostly-occasionally in Johnny's head. Because it's hard to imagine that Johnny, emotional, cold and brilliant, could resist.

This is Pete.

It’s through Pete we know that Johnny feels love, but has nowhere to put it.

But for now, Pete’ll do just fine.

And finally-


This is Vik-TOR.

Whom I would like very much to have shirtless and tied up to a pole and have him inform me through his teeth that there was nothing I could do to make him talk.

*rests for a minute*

Victor is the Russian’s henchman.

The Russian is Uri, rich and dangerous. He's a mobster/businessman who wants to buy up legitimate properties in London for investments. All good, right?

But Victor has been with his boss since the early days, through the good times and the bad, and unlike his boss, doesn't suffer from normal human emotions like love and insecurity. Victor has seen his boss make some silly mistakes, but only ever over the same thing: a girl.

Uri, you see, is a romantic.

He's always looking for the perfect woman with whom he can share his passion for art and fine dining. Unfortunately, unlike his business sense, that one isn't very well honed.

Victor understands that such things don’t exist for people like them, at least not at this moment in time. He’s always prepared to head disaster off at the pass, and failing that, to pick up the pieces.

Victor also knows that in order to get Uri, he simply has to be the last one standing. Were one to guess, as one often does in such glaringly guh situations, one would imagine that their sex is passionate, but besides the poetic things their language allows them to exchange, very little is said between them.

Victor wants more, but Uri doesn't like to think about it. It’s too complicated.

Victor is willing to wait.

As am I.

And In Conclusion:
From what I heard when the movie came out, Guy Ritchie was writing the sequel. It was madness in those days, back in Oct. 2008 when I first started posting about the movie and feeling like I’d been the only other person aside from the cast and crew who had seen the movie, and wondering where THE HELL all the slashers were. But on the commentary Ritchie confirmed that he was indeed writing a sequel, and that said, I was willing to go it all alone waiting for it.

So if you’re listening, Guy Ritchie, I have one one big fat request: Please don’t cop out on the bromance.

Oh and also, please see to it that Handsome Bob gets him some One Two, WELL.

And also that Johnny makes Archy work harder than he’s ever worked in his life keeping him under control.

I lied, that was more than one request.

I want you to make me weep, Guy Ritchie.

And in super conclusion, see RocknRolla. I wish he had concentrated on the sequel instead of getting sucked into that bizarre-looking Sherlock Holmes (and I’m a massive Holmes fan!). But I wish him well, and a speedy fucken return to the porn.

I'll be here.

crossposted to [livejournal.com profile] rockn_rollas

on 2009-08-12 07:52 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] firestorm717.livejournal.com
Oh, wow. Thank you so much for this post XD. When I first saw RocknRolla (which was nearly a fluke - I'd picked up Snatch on a whim, mostly out of curiosity, since I vaguely recalled watching it years ago and not understanding a thing...that led me to hunt down all Ritchie's films in a rush), I was like man...the slash in this is GOLD. But it's such an obscure movie, there'd be no fandom for it. But lo and behold, I find your comm and fics.

Lovelovelove Archy in this. Guh, Mark Strong, just...GUH. So hot, especially when he gets angry at the end...hurting over the betrayal. I could stare at those pics for days. Need me some more HQ caps of his pretty face. I didn't get the Johnny Quid/Archy pairing until I saw the very end, with all the childhood memories and invasion of personal space in the elevator and the annngggsst. If Ritchie makes a sequel, I hope he gays up their relationship like whoa <3 I heard someone say he wrote a flashback of Archy in prison during his 4-year stint; should be interesting.

Handsome Bob/One Two is so adorable. There should be massive AU on that night they share XD.

on 2009-08-14 05:22 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Need me some more HQ caps of his pretty face.

If you find them, please please put up a link.

The sweetest surprise of the movie was the revelation of Johnny/Archy. It was like, the real deal. I thought I was going to pass out from how beautiful and unexpected that was. Or maybe it was seeing Toby Kebbel in a trench coat.

Archy in prison sounds so fascinating. I'd love to see him before and after, what differences there were about him over it. Can you imagine being his cell mate? He'd make you his bitch just by walking in.

I love love love Handsome Bob/One Two. I cannot resist a takedown. And Tom Hardy's lips are made for just one thing. *sweats*

on 2009-08-14 07:08 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] firestorm717.livejournal.com
Alas, [community profile] cap_it has failed me. I asked [profile] napalmiris to take some while she was making a mood theme XD, and if I ever get off my lazy ass, I'll probably do some off the DVD as well to make an Archy theme <3. What capping software do you use?

Man, I re-watched the gun swiping scene like a gazillion times. There's so much fodder to be had filling in the transition from poisonous toad to d'awww give Uncle Archy a cuddle <333 And yes, Toby looks much better clad in normal clothes and sans junkie mode. Boy lost so much weight to play the part.

Arch totally takes top =P but I think with his connections, he probably got the royal treatment like a lotta mafia guys do in prison. Johnny did allude to how much it changed him, though, which makes me think the 4-year stint was his first time. I actually had a brief fic idea involving Archy and a couple of the other guys Lenny betrayed all in prison...need to sit down properly and write it. Do you know anything about the prison demographics in London? Like, what sort of ethnic gangs are predominant. The only thing I have to go off of is Oz XD.

on 2009-08-14 07:29 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
LOL! And Oz is definitely not the demo for anyone trying to write anything rational and sane.

But I found this (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v97/perseph2hades/RocknRolla/britishprisondemos.png) by googling "prison demographics britain" and hitting the UK govt's stats (http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/pdfs/prisonstats2000.pdf).

I don't have capping software since I have a Mac. I hit a button, then drag my mouse over what I want. It's come a long way for me from back in the day on my previous LJ. Then, I used WinDVD, which was exceptional.

It makes sense that Archy would have gotten the royal treatment in prison, which would be in keeping with the way Lenny works. I think he'd make sure Archy got treated well while on the inside.

Edited on 2009-08-14 07:46 am (UTC)

on 2009-08-14 08:03 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] firestorm717.livejournal.com
Oooh, thanks for the links. Will research this more before I start writing. Yeah, I was thinking of Oz cause I wanted to toss a rival gang in there, you know, some guys who don't respect the old school...and who else but O'Reilly came to mind? I may just say fuck it to realism and get the Irish. Lol, maybe a pikey too, as a nod to Snatch.

on 2009-08-12 07:54 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] firestorm717.livejournal.com
Ah yes, and thanks for pointing out the Viktor/Uri thing XD I was thinking, damn that Russian is hot...but who do I pair him with? I was reading the original script, and apparently, they served in the army together or something. Pulled each other out of bad spots. Hehe.

on 2009-08-14 05:27 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Do you remember the shot of Uri getting out of the golf cart there, with Lenny and Victor? I thought I'd go blind staring at his fine ass. And lovely legs. Gaaaah.

I have to track down the script, because I like, very much, the idea of Victor and Uri in the Red Army together, being all comrade-y in the bunkers. I can imagine how their employer-employee relationship developed from there.

God, my eyes are glazing over.

on 2009-08-14 07:24 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] firestorm717.livejournal.com
Oooh yes, I just took a look at that again XD. I also love the scene before Uri proposes to Stella, how Victor complains about Uri's girls costing them so much money, and Uri just rolls his eyes and tells Victor not to be so cheap <3. Cuuuuuute. I can totally see them at it after Uri drowns his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle (even though he doesn't drink), with Victor listening sympathetically by his side.

It's the official one, I'm sure you've seen it here (http://warnerbros2008.warnerbros.com/hfpa/assets/images/RockNRolla_Script.pdf). There's no actual SCENE, but Victor does have a line or two where he talks about knowing Uri's weaknesses cause they were together in the army. Heh, actually, I bet they were KGB together - or at least, Victor must be KGB to Uri's poster boy politician. They make a killer team. Literally.

on 2009-08-14 07:43 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com


The KGB idea is phenomenal. Especially because you know VIctor totally was. Where's the fic. Have you finished the fic yet? *pants*

The "Victor, you're so cheap" line was, like everything else about the movie, a delicious surprise. Victor practically blurted it out, like he'd reached the end of his rope about it, even though it didn't seem proper that he could talk to his evil boss like that. And then Uri's reaction was equally unexpected, and that's when I realized they weren't just the typical henchman and boss. Good, good times.

on 2009-08-14 08:12 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] firestorm717.livejournal.com
Ahahaaaa you have to read it now, then XD there's several slashy bits that got cut, including an extended elevator scene where Johnny basically confesses his love to Archy. I'm serious.

I have such a backlog just of Johnny/Archy.

The way Uri reacts, it's like he's heard the nagging wife routine a dozen times XDDD. I'm certain that it's not the first Victor's admonished Uri over his flights of romanticism. It's totally a vicious cycle - Uri meets girl, Uri falls in love with girl, Victor tries to convince Uri the girl's no good and that he's the loyal partner, damn it!, Uri ignores him only to get his heart broken, Victor takes him out for a drink of commiseration and pity sex because they're married, damn it, Uri just doesn't see that! Rinse, lather, repeat.

Ooh, you've got the plot bunnies tingling. I'm gonna have to consult my Russian history friend and see what I come up with about KGB, hehe. I mean, how else did Uri lose 20+ million on some girl? It sure as hell wasn't to buy a boat.

on 2009-08-14 08:28 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] firestorm717.livejournal.com
Okay, I was confused. It turns out Victor served with the thin Chechnyan in the army (the one who chases One Two). During a conversation between the two, he says the following about Uri:

Uri is a man born with nothing, carved
his way up the hard way, he's smart,
young and only one thing will stop
him from reaching his goals,...women.
And this woman has become a problem.
My job is to protect Uri and in this
department he needs protecting, I
don't like her or trust her and I
want you to follow that snake.

But I still feel it's implied, I mean, he knows all this background on Uri, and how else could they have gotten so close except as war buddies? Hmmm...

on 2009-08-12 08:17 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] afra-schatz.livejournal.com
I have SO.MUCH.LOVE for that movie. The week I finally finally got my DVD (because stupid cinemas over here showed this brilliant piece of film history for about a week tops) I watched it four times. So, initially I just wanted to raise my hand and say that yes, I am one of those 10 you mentioned at the beginning. But then I read your commentary - oh, how have I missed those - and my priorities shifted and now this comment is all about how much I adore you and your perspective on movies. And One Two's ass. And stuff (Handsome Bob is a “ladies man.” Meaning females get to grope and molest him freely. I luv U) - but particularly ARCHY and MUMBLES. God, I've always loved Idris but never so embarrassingly hard as I did in this movie. AND THE DANCING!!

Sorry for all the capitalizing. I CAN'T HELP IT.

on 2009-08-14 05:35 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
You make me so very happy. *climbs into your lap*

THE CAPS ARE UNAVOIDABLE. I felt like I'd been hit over the head when I saw the dancing initially. I literally went, WHAT?, in the theater there all by myself. I mean, who on earth could have seen that coming? And how hard it would make you fall in love with Handsome Bob's love for One Two.

Archy is like, one in a million.

on 2009-08-12 03:27 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mrsbean.livejournal.com
Forget the movie, this post is made of W.I.N. *fans self*

My copy is arriving this afternoon, it will be watched first thing tomorrow morning when I can writhe in privacy. Thanks for the foreplay, darling!

on 2009-08-13 12:56 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Always a pleasure.

*loves all over your icon* I do realize what I've done. Hopefully, you'll like the movie. :P

*wipes up after self*

on 2009-08-13 07:37 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mrsbean.livejournal.com
Holy fuck.

I just watched it.

You've ruined me.

I don't even have an appropriate icon.

I'm going to go lay down now.

on 2009-08-14 03:32 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
*cackles hard* That icon did it quite well for me.

And how many times have we watched that ending by now? And where's your fic already, you naughty wench? *lights a cigarette*
Edited on 2009-08-14 03:32 am (UTC)

on 2009-08-14 05:21 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mrsbean.livejournal.com
"Whot exactly do you wan' to do to me then?" Oh, One Two.

How do you expect me to write? I still haven't recovered. It took me 2 hours just to get myself off the couch and functioning.

Your icon is just...perfect. You're exhausted by this, aren't you? Massively pleased that you've ruined us all!

on 2009-08-12 04:19 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] lilithilien.livejournal.com
I think every day should start out with a picspam like this. Especially one featuring this much Mark Strong. Now I doubt there's a thing my clients can throw at me that will wipe the smile from my face.

(I think I mentioned The Long Firm to you, way back when. Did you ever get a chance to see it?)

Thanks for the lovelies!!

on 2009-08-13 12:54 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
I bought The Long Firm! It's sitting in my DVD player waiting because me and my sister want to watch it together. But God in heaven, I don't know whether I can handle it. That man has made me feel things I'd forgotten I could.

I'm glad the slash has won over the crazies. Especially in your work.

on 2009-08-12 06:24 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] shrinetolust.livejournal.com
Oh wow. How did you do that? You picked all the same screencaps I would have done. The way Bertie looks at Bob makes me explode with the squee every time! GUH!!

And I love how Mumbles moves them around like chess pieces and giggles to himself the whole time. His convo with One Two about Bob is the BEST.

I'm thinking you like Archy a bit, but I'm not sure. *G* I lament the whole Sherlock Holmes business. I do hope Guy is truly working on that sequel...*quivers* I need more of the boys, stat.

I agree with Mrs. Bean. This post is made of W.I.N.
Edited on 2009-08-12 06:25 pm (UTC)

on 2009-08-13 12:50 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
I'm thinking you like Archy a bit, but I'm not sure.

*cries buckets*

Can he just come over here, please? Never ever must I meet Mark Strong because I know the difference between liking a person you admire and loving a person you admire, and I would lose it and bawl if I ever met him. Right before I attack and rape him. It wouldn't be pretty.

I picked all the same screencaps you would have because on certain days, you know I'm you! Hello? lol!

When I saw Bertie look at Handsome Bob is when I understood what it means to come in public. Because I pretty much did in the movie theater. I don't know how that actor did it, but. that. look. Jesus. And the fact that Bob is perfectly aware and not running for the hills. Because Bertie will put him through his paces. *breaks into a sweat* I'm actually afraid of attempting fic with them.

From all I know, he has a script for The Real RocknRollas, at least a first draft. I'm on the hunt for the thing once it's turned in. *shudders* Tranq me till then.
Edited on 2009-08-13 12:51 am (UTC)

on 2009-08-13 02:40 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] slashedshi.livejournal.com
I HAVE SEEN THIS!! I have , I Have!

on 2009-08-14 05:35 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
And what'd you think??

on 2009-08-14 09:12 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] slashedshi.livejournal.com
I really liked it, cept i had to watch it a few times for it to make sense in my head (like pulp fiction), and th slashy text KILLED me.

on 2009-08-13 07:45 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] missmollyetc.livejournal.com
Okay, can I just have all the Handsome Bob/One Two fic in the world right now? There is practically nothing! It's a tragedy in fictional form.

How awesome are the Wild Bunch? Seriously.

on 2009-08-14 05:39 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Okay, can I just have all the Handsome Bob/One Two fic in the world right now?

Share, damn you.

But it still baffles me how there aren't acres of that pairing. I mean, in canon it's a raging tease. How could people not be porning that shit like the world was coming to an end? Especially because it's all First Time stuff for One Two. It's a gold mine!

The Wild Bunch Is Love.

on 2009-08-14 09:29 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] duckgirlie.livejournal.com
I love you for this post. I have been searching for Rocknrolla fic since I saw the film, but it appears to be absolutely nowhere at all. I think I've read... two.

And Bob and One Two are doing all the heavy lifting themselves.

But I really want Bob/Bertie. With hair pulling, and faces shoved in carpets, and complete disdain and just... guh.

on 2009-08-14 05:29 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
I think the fic is coming. I've been seeing a lot of omfg from people who will probably very soon be producing fic otherwise the bunnies will kill them. I'm hoping the bunnies will kill them- I'll pay for the daggers and ammo myself.

And Handsome Bob/Bertie.. I think if I don't write a PWP I might die myself.

on 2009-08-14 05:44 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] duckgirlie.livejournal.com
I'd love to try something, but I don't think I could get a handle on the gangster style.

on 2009-08-14 05:46 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Then I'd write it in any style I could.

on 2009-08-14 05:56 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] duckgirlie.livejournal.com
I'll work on something once I get my DVD back.

on 2009-08-17 08:47 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] circestale.livejournal.com
I saw this movie, I did! I'm not a huge Guy Ritchie fan, but I did like this movie, because I felt it had a bit more heart than his other movies, if that makes any sense at all. However, I was really upset about what happens to Stella, because she was the total bomb.

I do so hope he does follow up this movie, because I would adore more Handsome Bob/One Two story. (I still think it's so cute how One Two absolutely freaks about dancing. Ha ha. You just wait, One Two, you just wait.)

on 2009-12-28 02:21 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 2-perseph.livejournal.com
Oh, Circe! I only just saw this comment! I never got a notification for it. *sigh* I'm so sorry..

I hope it's not too late for me to say YES regarding One Two and the fear of dirty dancing. Even though it wasn't really dirty but rather, more of a severe cuddling. Ack. I sweat just to think of it. Okay so now that the Holmes flick is done, please please Guy, get back to thinking of the sequel! *angst*


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