2_perseph: (under the dress)
[personal profile] 2_perseph
Much too overdue.

Since about 10 people in total have seen RocknRolla, I thought I'd put together this post and introduce you to a fresh set of boys (and one girl) who might rub you the right way. Click click for some-

Sex In Three Acts

Act I
Handsome Bob/One Two

This is Handsome Bob.

And this is One Two.

Handsome Bob is a “ladies man.” Meaning females get to grope and molest him freely. Which, apparently, Bob is not entirely averse to. He might actually be using them for bait.

Because the thing about Handsome Bob is, to paraphrase an artist, when he’s naked, he wants One Two there.

But more on that later. Bob, you see, is a patient dog.

But for now, say hello to Bertie.

That’s Bertie on the right, Handsome Bob on the left.

Bertie is how you know Handsome Bob is not a bottom.

Bertie’s angst to get wild-bunched is mouthwateringly delicious. He’s good for some PWP featuring him subbing in any way possible for Handsome Bob. The dirtier the better. Yet you know within moments of watching him stare at Bob that you're simply not getting it right. You're dirty enough for Bertie when it comes to Handsome Bob. It’s back to the drawing board for you.

A hint, says Bertie's guide for slashers, is to try starting with rope, hair pulling and some spanking, preferably while saying lovely, humiliating things while doing all three. Ladies underwear might also work.

All this, of course, needs to take place when Bertie isn't busy.

Right, so what's this got to do with Handsome Bob and One Two?

Bertie, you see, is married to Stella.

And Stella, you should know, is made of W.I.N.

Because she intentionally married a man who she knows will get her from A to B, avoiding C, and she won’t have to have long, drawn out conversations about it.

Stella wants One Two.

Stella gets One Two.

And on to One Two: He's always been the type of person for whom sex has always been too easy.

He thinks it.

He gets it.

Which goes the same way for work, where, much to Handsome Bob's dismay, One Two is shameless in cutting to the chase over things he wants.

This is One Two trying to get Mumbles to come over here.

Soon you'll see that Mumbles goes.

But you'll also see that for Bob, that shit hurts in all the right places.

Bob, you see, pretends to be a bottom so that One Two will feel comfortable when they're all around each other.

*breathes heavily*

Now Mumbles. Mumbles is the third man--or, more accurately, the right arm--of the Wild Bunch (assuming the outfit is right-handed).

Mumbles is a man’s man, by which I mean he’s perfectly comfortable in his own skin. He’d think about it, and then he would do the right thing for a mate, if that’s what the circumstances called for, no matter how compromising the situation might be. And it seems he would have neither apology nor explanation for anyone who cared to come asking.

At this juncture I have to diverge to say that I have a deep, hard, and unfulfilled lust to fuck Idris Elba’s brains out. He plays Mumbles. I knew him from The Wire, and I still shiver every time I think of staring at him walking past me at Comic-Con and wondering who the fuck that giant was.

*wrings out panties*

Where was I?

Yes. So the lovely thing about Mumbles is that he doesn’t miss a thing. Not one.

And between Handsome Bob and One Two, lies Mumbles.

The way Mumbles looks on with pride as he unleashes Handsome Bob on Bertie, the way he easily handles One Two when One Two freaks out, then looks on with amusement when it comes back to haunt One Two, makes one believe that Mumbles might be open to instructing One Two on how to accomplish certain things when a certain time finally comes.

Re: How to Make a Bad Boy Come.
From: Mumbles
To: One Two
Message: Your. Arse. Is. Fucked. Love, yer best mate.

Which brings us to the clinch. Which is that One Two is quite happy having Handsome Bob on the team, as Bob is the youngest and has always pulled his own weight--an absolute work horse in a crunch. But One Two is a planner, and surprises don’t go over well with him.

However, he does have a sweet streak, one which seems to come out of a need to not seem old and out of touch with what the kids are up to these days.

And for Handsome Bob, that might prove the handiest thing of them all.

Act II
Johnny Quid/Archy

This is Johnny Quid.

Johnny does not have your interest at heart.

In fact, Johnny thinks you’re much more interesting when you aren’t saying a word. Johnny’s had his share of crap shoved down his throat, and if he’s looking for something deeper within himself, it’s because he has to. And he doesn’t really appreciate you making all that noise while he has to do that.

Johnny seems to have only one weakness.





*wets self*

Archy is played by Mark Strong. Strong, whom Guy Ritchie is obviously still waiting to cast as Sherlock Holmes over the studio’s preferences. ‘Cause don’t get me started on the reasons Guy Ritchie chose to do Sherlock Holmes (which wasn’t a project he originated) while finishing up RocknRolla, and making with the sexy in putting Mark Strong in Sherlock Homes-type gear, over. and. over.

I digress, but its hurts not to. *wails a little*

So Archy/Johnny Quid. Johnny Quid/Archy.

However you want to play it, Johnny’ll take it. But he has a lesson for Uncle Archy. Not a life lesson, because that would be presumptuous to a man who when he was barely adolescent was already a gangster. Rather, Johnny has a lesson of a different sort for Archy-- One on how to leave your workday at the door.

It isn’t difficult for Johnny to love Archy. Archy has those eyes, like he's searching for answers even when he doesn't know he's looking. He has that calm, as though the mud would splash on you but not him. Then he has that way he talks to Johnny, that “Daddy loves you and don’t you know it” way that makes me want to *rolls tongue back in* and keel over in my chair.

But Johnny grew up and dreamt of being a rock n’ rolla. The cool thing was, Johnny was the original rock n’ rolla. He was it before it became cool, before it became a fad, because he wasn’t afraid of those edges. That’s what made him Johnny, and against all odds, made him full of so much love.

But Archy wants to control those edges, wants to be the master of them. Together, they’re like oil and water, except when they’re not. They speak the same language and perform the same acts. One imagines that for Johnny, who is a druggie and into chemical escape, Archy is like the cyborg arm extension that performs those acts while stone-cold sober, while he's the one that sleepwalks them.

Johnny has occasional smex with Pete. It's probably, mostly-occasionally in Johnny's head. Because it's hard to imagine that Johnny, emotional, cold and brilliant, could resist.

This is Pete.

It’s through Pete we know that Johnny feels love, but has nowhere to put it.

But for now, Pete’ll do just fine.

And finally-


This is Vik-TOR.

Whom I would like very much to have shirtless and tied up to a pole and have him inform me through his teeth that there was nothing I could do to make him talk.

*rests for a minute*

Victor is the Russian’s henchman.

The Russian is Uri, rich and dangerous. He's a mobster/businessman who wants to buy up legitimate properties in London for investments. All good, right?

But Victor has been with his boss since the early days, through the good times and the bad, and unlike his boss, doesn't suffer from normal human emotions like love and insecurity. Victor has seen his boss make some silly mistakes, but only ever over the same thing: a girl.

Uri, you see, is a romantic.

He's always looking for the perfect woman with whom he can share his passion for art and fine dining. Unfortunately, unlike his business sense, that one isn't very well honed.

Victor understands that such things don’t exist for people like them, at least not at this moment in time. He’s always prepared to head disaster off at the pass, and failing that, to pick up the pieces.

Victor also knows that in order to get Uri, he simply has to be the last one standing. Were one to guess, as one often does in such glaringly guh situations, one would imagine that their sex is passionate, but besides the poetic things their language allows them to exchange, very little is said between them.

Victor wants more, but Uri doesn't like to think about it. It’s too complicated.

Victor is willing to wait.

As am I.

And In Conclusion:
From what I heard when the movie came out, Guy Ritchie was writing the sequel. It was madness in those days, back in Oct. 2008 when I first started posting about the movie and feeling like I’d been the only other person aside from the cast and crew who had seen the movie, and wondering where THE HELL all the slashers were. But on the commentary Ritchie confirmed that he was indeed writing a sequel, and that said, I was willing to go it all alone waiting for it.

So if you’re listening, Guy Ritchie, I have one one big fat request: Please don’t cop out on the bromance.

Oh and also, please see to it that Handsome Bob gets him some One Two, WELL.

And also that Johnny makes Archy work harder than he’s ever worked in his life keeping him under control.

I lied, that was more than one request.

I want you to make me weep, Guy Ritchie.

And in super conclusion, see RocknRolla. I wish he had concentrated on the sequel instead of getting sucked into that bizarre-looking Sherlock Holmes (and I’m a massive Holmes fan!). But I wish him well, and a speedy fucken return to the porn.

I'll be here.

crossposted to [livejournal.com profile] rockn_rollas

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